stupid hamster

I was about to leave the house when I walked past his pink cage and I saw Red in this position:

I have to mention that his cage has a ground floor where his water bottle is located, a first floor where his hamster wheel is, and a second floor where his house is placed.

Last night, I saw Red on the first floor of his cage, his body was half in and half out of the wheel. Both of his arms were dangling through the floor of the first floor and he was just lying there, unmoving.

He was doing so for quite a long time too even when I came close and talked to him. Then the thought entered my head: "This is not normal behavior..." and I thought, did he die?? Was he was running inside his hamster wheel when his heart gave out and he didn't even have the time to exit the wheel and just died right there and then??

The second thought: "I killed A'ishah's hamster!! Oh no no no no no.."

The next thought: "Oh gawd. He's dead! How am I going to move his body?? I can't deal with this..."

Then: "Do I just leave him there? But what if he starts to rot?? Eeeeeee..." *starts imagining a rotting hamster corpse*

Then after a few mins, the props his head up, turns to look at me, and continued on with his daily business.

For the rest of the night, I was cursing the little fellow for fooling me.

red rodent

Earlier, I felt like blogging. Then I didn't. So I closed the window. Then I remembered something, so I feel like blogging again. Hehe. I have a hamster!

Okay, actually, it's not mine. It belongs to A'ishah. She went home today for the holidays and since she couldn't find anyone else to take care of her hamster, I guess I was the last resort. Actually, I think the last resort would've been to just let it die. A bit cruel, ain't it?

I don't mind taking care of it. Although to be honest, I don't quite like hamsters. The only reason why I don't like them is cause they're rodents. When I first carried the cage into the house, I thought, "What the... Am I really willingly letting a rodent live in my house??"

Thank God hamsters don't have tails like mice do!! That's what freaks me out the most about rodents. Their tails. And eyes. I have to admit that Red's eyes are creepy. (Red is the name of the hamster in my care.) It took awhile for me and for Red to be accustomed to me carrying him. When I did carry him though, his eyes (which were red.. which accounts for his name cos his fur is actually all white) were bulging out. Little bulging, red eyes. *shudder*

Sorry, A'ishah. Hahaha. Funny la.. earlier she said it doesn't matter if Red died over the holidays because she's used to having her hamsters die whether or not she takes good care of them or not. Haha.

Still not accustomed to having Red in my house. I know this because everytime I hear the squeaks from his hamster wheel I wonder about where the sound was coming from.

I know these types of posts ought to come accompanied with a picture of said subject but I'm a tad lazy to take a picture of the tiny furry being.

Alright. I'm out.

in a daze

Sometimes I love how my house is in such a mess. Those are times when days pass you by and soon the day turns to night but you don't wonder where the time went. Instead, I feel like no one else exists in this world and there are no cares and no worries. I feel as in a daze.

Other times, I get so stressed out when my house is in a mess and I hate it. I hate how I live at home. Why are the bowls from two days back still sitting, watching TV with me on the couch?

There are times when my house is immaculate and I love it. I love how there's space to put my feet when I walk. I love how I don't have to go through piles of clothes to find a shirt I wanted to wear that day. I love how things are organised.

Right now the house is in a right mess and I don't mind it. There's a skateboard out in the hall placed in a dangerous spot that anyone who doesn't know it's there would've stepped on it and broken their neck going over the staircase ledge. Some drawers in my room are left open, clothes looking like they're oozing out of them, making an escape. My jeans hang from the closet knobs instead of their rightful place behind the door. Piles of books are threatening to fall to the floor without warning. Piles of clothes blanket my bed that I've taken to sleeping in my brother's room instead.

The laundry basket which is stuffed full. The kitchen table is littered with shopping - packets of biscuits, hair clips, deodorant, cereal boxes, instant noodles. The sink is surprisingly not full yet. The living room looks like a tornado hit and blew all my papers all around.

Right now I love it.

say it to my face

I guess the best way to blog is to let it all out as soon as possible. Before the feeling fades and those second thoughts creep into your mind about whether what you say is relevant.

Feeling so numb. A lot of things are going on right now making me question who I am to others.

Are there people who are sweet to my face and being slit tongued behind my back?

Never really thought I would be someone whom people would act that way to. Cos I am sincere in all I do. Some closest to me has complained that I cannot say "no" to the point that it infuriates them. If people ask for my help, I will do so. Unless it's totally impossible.

So much so that my own priorities get screwed up. I guess I just cannot understand how to be selfish. Even if it was for my own good.

I don't get how anyone can be so selfish to even be okay with acting nice to me to get something out of it and then later go home and still be able to say nasty things about me or judge me even after I've helped out - however small the deed.

Fucking hell. I hate emo posts. Goodbye.

urgh

There was a time when I used to blog, write crap, and not have to care about what others thought. Things seemed much simpler. I have to smile now when I think about back then and how brutally honest and unbarred I was able to be.

When I was happy, I could share it.

When I was depressed, I didn't mind admitting so.

But now.. happy or not. There's something holding me back. I can be happy but at the same time, I know that there's someone out there who hates that I am.

There I things I want to tell. To share. Oh, so much. Believe me. But things I say will hurt one party or another. No doubt.

Then there are secrets I have to keep to protect the people I care about. I can't say things, I can't voice my opinions anymore because they most likely do read and they would probably misconstrue my blog entries.

If I had to complain, rant, take my anger out on someone. It best be some stranger that I'll never see again. If I had a story to tell that had even the tiniest tinge of negativity, it best not be about your family.

I'm on this emotional roller coaster where I could be happy one day.. and then just hearing a person's voice would take it all away. Or there could be times where I feel it's a good day, and then something happens and everything's shattered.

I'm really tired of fighting. I'm tired of putting up this facade. I feel so beaten up inside. I'm so afraid that one day, I'll give up and do something dumb. Although I honestly think that I won't go that far but we never know.

Whatever.